My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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