just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
