you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
