New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
