I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just had sex on a roof
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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