Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
