Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
