Apparently you make a good broom.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This baby is an asshole
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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