I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
