So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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