I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
where does the pee come out of this thing
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
