just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
