2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
