i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
