I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
