ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
