i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
