the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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