Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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