i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
