I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
