This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
