My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i dont even know how to be here
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
