I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
