Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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