Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
