I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
