He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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