Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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