this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just found puke in my bra..
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
