this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
my poor anus
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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