I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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