well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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