My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
