I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
