she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
