Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
