dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
