I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
