he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
