The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
