Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
