we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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