The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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