I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
