you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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