11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
