where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she was so not down for the gang bang
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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