Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
