i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
