i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
