I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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