I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
